Towards the future, not away from the past
by Kirabera
Summary: Gintoki has always been haunted by his past, but how does he fight the pain? My interpretation on how he handles his flashbacks of the war and how his current Yorozuya family helps him through. Bad summary; just read! One-shot!


**I'm running towards the future, not running away from the past**

Have you noticed how Gin-san pretty much _always_ looks kind of lost in thoughts of the past during the opening sequences of the anime? Like there would be scenes showing him fighting in the war, then him in the present looking all spaced out. I'm pretty sure you've noticed that.  
>And then Shinpachi and Kagura would show up and snap him out of his deep thoughts, and then he'd be all happy and smiling and everything again.<br>It's kind of a very bittersweet thing, really.

So this is my interpretation of how that would happen.

Keep in mind that war-time Gintoki is interpreted as around 17 years old in this story. I did some research and calculations; I'm pretty sure he was in the war at that time. 

**I don't own Gintama, okay? That gorilla (a.k.a. Sorachi-sensei) does.**

Reviews please!  
>* Warning: this fic is pretty bad. I took forever to write it, and I honestly ran out of ideas. I hope you don't mind. And if you ask me, the title doesn't really fit the fic, but it was all I could come up with… QQ<p>

* * *

><p>The sky was a dark shade of grey. The sun was veiled by thick, heavy clouds.<p>

He stood alone in the middle of many corpses. In his right hand he clutched a bloodied sword. His silver hair and white uniform were stained with blood.

The Shiroyasha gazed sadly at his feet.

"Everyone's gone…" Gintoki said to himself.

"Yes, they all died. Because of you!" replied a voice.

Gintoki lifted his head to see a skeleton of a corpse talking to him. He furrowed his brow in fear. He turned his head this side and that, just to see more skeletons.

"It was all your fault." said one.

"You failed to protect them!" said another.

Gintoki gritted his teeth.

"You're wrong! I did all I could! I fight to protect everyone around me! I really do!" Gintoki cried in reply.

"You lead them, the soldiers under your command, into the battlefield. You lead them to their deaths!"

"And by cutting down enemies, you're just killing more people. In the end, everyone's dead because of you!"

"You're just a people-killing demon. You can't protect anyone or anything… Shiroyasha."

Gintoki shut his eyes in pain. He loosened his grip on his sword and it dropped with a little _splash_ into a small pool of blood at his feet.

"… Shut up… I am protecting people… I am…" Gintoki growled.

"Protecting them by letting them die? What a joke!" a voice retorted.

The voices did not stop.

"You're powerless! You can't do anything!"

"Just give it up!"

"You'll just keep killing people!"

Gintoki finally dropped to his knees. His hands clawed at the blood-red soil beneath him. His heart wanted to collapse. This pain, this guilt, this feeling of sheer powerlessness… The legendary Demon couldn't take it anymore.

But the voices did not stop the torture.

"Just keep running, Shiroyasha! You'll never be able to escape from the truth. You'll just lose everyone around you!"

"Have you ever been able to protect anyone? No!"

"All you'll end up with is this – a mountain of corpses."

The voices laughed hauntingly. With every passing second the laughter seeped deeper into Gintoki's mind, filling his thoughts with nothing but fear and guilt.

He wanted to run away. He wanted to banish the sound of their laughter from his mind. But it was too late; the haunting sensation has already rooted deep into his soul. His body was paralyzed with fear.

"You're all alone, Demon!"

"You can't do anything besides killing."

"Powerless!"

"Give up and accept the truth!"

The voices continued to abuse Gintoki, wrecking havoc in his mind.

The Shiroyasha threw his head back, tears running down his bloody face, and let out an agonizing scream.

* * *

><p>Gintoki's eyes flared open and he sat up abruptly. His breath was quick and shallow, his heart was beating fast, and his silver natural-perm hair was damp with sweat.<p>

He had been sleeping on the living room couch.

He took several deep breaths. His heart began to slow back down.

"… A dream…?" the Yorozuya leader muttered to himself.

He ran his fingers through his puffy hair and sighed. He did not like dreaming of the past.

Giving his head a soft shake, he looked around the living room. The girl and the glasses known as the other two Yorozuya members were nowhere to be seen. Gintoki was –

_Alone_, said a voice in his head.

The samurai grimaced as the thought invaded his mind yet again. Must his nightmares haunt him even in his waking hours?

Gintoki covered his face in his hands for a brief moment, clearing his mind of unpleasant thoughts. He looked down at his pale hands.

_The hands by which so many lives had ended_, thought Gintoki. _Maybe I am useless… Maybe the only thing I can do is kill… I've never been able to protect anything… _

Suddenly, the front door slid open, and cheerful voices filled the room.

"Shut up, Four-Eyes! I'd rather let Gin-chan use all my sukonbu money on parfaits than let you buy that CD!"

"H-hey! Don't insult Otsuu-chan's new album!"

Kagura and Shinpachi strolled into the living room, bickering, with bags of groceries.

"Ah, Gin-san! You're awake!" greeted Shinpachi. "We bought you ice-cream! I'll go leave it in the fridge."

"And here's your Jump, Gin-chan!" Kagura piped and tossed him a thick magazine.

"Ah… Thank you…" Gintoki replied as he caught his beloved Weekly Shounen Jump.

The house was quickly filled with laughter and warmth. Sounds of chopsticks against china came from the kitchen as Shinpachi prepared lunch, and the TV was showing Kagura's favourite program while the Yato girl lay on the couch, chewing on sukonbu.

Gintoki couldn't help but smile to himself. He was not alone.

There were people he protected, and he will continue to protect them. He was not powerless. For the sake of the ones he loved, he forced himself to be strong. He wielded his sword not to kill people, but to protect them.

And this time, he would not allow himself to fail. He would protect them even if it cost him his life. Because he loved them.

Because they were his family.

Gintoki chuckled.

"Thank you, Kagura, Shinpachi…" he muttered.

"Hmm, Gin-chan? Did you say something?" Kagura asked with a piece of sukonbu in her mouth.

Gintoki smiled and shook his head. Kagura redirected her attention towards the TV.

Gintoki was no longer running from the past. He was now running towards the future: the bright future he saw ahead of him, where love and warmth and happiness await.

_Thank you… My precious… family… _thought Gintoki as he fell asleep on the couch.


End file.
